Why I hate taking medication but continue anyway

Dear Diary,
I woke up this morning when the alarm rang after sleeping restfully for a good 9 hours. The only problem was that it was artificially induced. I wish it wasn’t so. I was wide awake despite being tired after a long day of church-recital-work and it was rather strange. I usually fall into a deep slumber when I’m exhausted. Looks like I wasn’t exhausted enough.

 
So after laying awake for some time, I decided to pop half a Trittico because I had an appointment at 11 the next morning and couldn’t afford to miss it. I didn’t have high hopes (Lorazepam and Atarax didn’t work too well) so I was surprised to find myself waking up in the morning after sleeping like a log. 
The truth is, medicine works. Or sometimes at least. At least this time it did. Until I develop tolerance to it, like I did with Atarax, my previous sleeping aid. 
I really hate taking my medication. How much? Well, when I was first diagnosed as bipolar, I threw away all the pills I was supposed to take for a good two weeks. It wasn’t until my friend Joyce convinced me to take them like sweets and that they would help that I finally did. 
And I’ve not stopped since. For the past five years. 
Do you know how much damage it has done to my body? I can’t tell, but there must be a reason Deanxit is banned in many countries. Haha. Well, no one has spotted signs of tachycardia in me yet, so I guess that’s good. 
To be honest, I continue taking the meds because my closest friends have said that they do work. The mood stabilisers do what they purport to – stabilise my mood. And my mood swings follow the shape of a sine curve:

 

 

My friends have commented that before medication, it was like a sin (2x) graph and after, that it became the sin (.5x) one. 
I trust and believe them. I must, or else there is no reason for me to continue on the happy pills. Because I cannot be objective about it. 
What I can say is this: They have a limited effect. When I’m depressed, the pills don’t stop making me depressed. When I’m manic, I continue being manic until it normalises or I become depressed again. 
That’s the reason why I decided to see a psychologist at KTPH. I figured that if the pills don’t work, perhaps CBT would. No harm trying. It sucks being depressed. I’m talking clinically depressed, not just your usual “my boss told me off at work and I’m upset/someone stepped on my toes in the MRT at peak hour angst”. I would know, having had at least half a dozen episodes in my lifetime. 
Well, someone recommended Lavender to help me sleep. I shall try that out and see how it goes. Anything to get away from those pesky tablets. Although it was quite a good and deep sleep I had last night. Ah well, decisions, decisions. 

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2 thoughts on “Why I hate taking medication but continue anyway

  1. I have built up so many tolerances as well… I scheduled an appointment as soon as I could… what I am on is no longer working. I wish you the best of luck. You aren’t alone.

    Like

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